spm

Studying for AS now brings back memories of studying for SPM. Comparing both of it now, it made me realize that studying for SPM made me stressed out so much to the point that I got depressed. 

I remember whenever anyone brought up the topic of SPM, asking how prepared am I or throwing innocent comments on how getting straight A's would be a piece of cake for 'someone like me', I would keep it all in and bottle up how scared I was. Scared - because I knew I wasn't ready for it, because I knew I wouldn't be able to get those straight A's, because I was so scared of letting everyone down (and because deep down inside, I knew what I was really scared of was letting myself down; confirming all the doubts and insecurity that haunted my mind)

Those few months could've been the worst of my life. I stayed up all through the night till 6AM in the morning, forcing myself to study, only to get stuck in my hallucinations. It's something I can't explain, because up until now I still can't fully understand what happened. To put things simple, everytime I started to study, I would zone out for hours, and I couldn't stop it. It sounds like those typical things that happen whenever we study, but during that period of time, it was really intense that it scared me and stressed me out even more. 

The repercussions? I was upset and angry all the time. My mum would try calming me down, telling me it's okay however I do, telling me to stop pushing myself so hard because I was breaking. I can't count the number of times I've broken down crying over even simply the surface of the topic. 

I'm not sure if I have put it out here in the blog yet, but I ended up not getting straight A's for SPM. My target had been to get straight A's with a minimum of 5A+'s, and I did not achieve both of them. I got 9As and 1B (3A+,5A,1A-,1B+). I sincerely hope this post does not offend anyone in any way, I am simply writing for the people who may be going through or have gone through the same thing as me. 

Weeks leading up to results day, I prepared myself - telling myself it's okay if I don't get straight A's, telling myself to not covet over the results of others (most of my college classmates scored 6 to 9A+'s). But when results were released, it still hit me, and it even lasted for a couple of weeks after that. 

This post is getting long, it is almost 2AM, and I'm getting progressively side-tracked (I was initially planning on writing abt something else), but anyway. I wrote this for the people who may be going through the same thing at this point of life, or to relate to people who have gone through this. I wrote this to let you know that I'm at a much better place now. Yes, I'm still going through the stress and pressure of studying because trust me, A-Levels are difficult. But my heart finally accepted that it's okay to do okay. And I didn't say 'it's okay to do bad' because I want you to know that you're not. It's all about the expectations we set for ourselves, and we're always going to want better, we're always going to want what someone else has, we're always going to be unsatisfied with where we are and what we have, but it's something we all need to learn to accept. Right now as you wish you could do as well as somebody else, there's somebody wishing they could do as well as you, and it goes on and on. 

It's difficult. I already knew those things last year but knowing it and accepting it with an open heart are two very different things, and it's difficult. But I sincerely hope that one day, you will receive the peace and comfort and self assurance that I received. It took quite awhile, and let me assure you that I'm not all there yet. I have my own demons haunting me that I'm trying to fight off myself, but we're all fighting our own battles. But hey, let me tell you this - you will overcome. Grades on a piece of paper, your school, your college, your course, your social ranking, your wealth - they don't define who you are. And even more the reasons why they shouldn't be in charge of your happiness or your sorrow. 

Sorry that this ended up being so long, there so many other things that I wanted to say, but so many more came to mind. But I'll keep those for another time. Hope y'all are doing well, take care and till next time!