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Studying for AS now brings back memories of studying for SPM. Comparing both of it now, it made me realize that studying for SPM made me stressed out so much to the point that I got depressed. 

I remember whenever anyone brought up the topic of SPM, asking how prepared am I or throwing innocent comments on how getting straight A's would be a piece of cake for 'someone like me', I would keep it all in and bottle up how scared I was. Scared - because I knew I wasn't ready for it, because I knew I wouldn't be able to get those straight A's, because I was so scared of letting everyone down (and because deep down inside, I knew what I was really scared of was letting myself down; confirming all the doubts and insecurity that haunted my mind)

Those few months could've been the worst of my life. I stayed up all through the night till 6AM in the morning, forcing myself to study, only to get stuck in my hallucinations. It's something I can't explain, because up until now I still can't fully understand what happened. To put things simple, everytime I started to study, I would zone out for hours, and I couldn't stop it. It sounds like those typical things that happen whenever we study, but during that period of time, it was really intense that it scared me and stressed me out even more. 

The repercussions? I was upset and angry all the time. My mum would try calming me down, telling me it's okay however I do, telling me to stop pushing myself so hard because I was breaking. I can't count the number of times I've broken down crying over even simply the surface of the topic. 

I'm not sure if I have put it out here in the blog yet, but I ended up not getting straight A's for SPM. My target had been to get straight A's with a minimum of 5A+'s, and I did not achieve both of them. I got 9As and 1B (3A+,5A,1A-,1B+). I sincerely hope this post does not offend anyone in any way, I am simply writing for the people who may be going through or have gone through the same thing as me. 

Weeks leading up to results day, I prepared myself - telling myself it's okay if I don't get straight A's, telling myself to not covet over the results of others (most of my college classmates scored 6 to 9A+'s). But when results were released, it still hit me, and it even lasted for a couple of weeks after that. 

This post is getting long, it is almost 2AM, and I'm getting progressively side-tracked (I was initially planning on writing abt something else), but anyway. I wrote this for the people who may be going through the same thing at this point of life, or to relate to people who have gone through this. I wrote this to let you know that I'm at a much better place now. Yes, I'm still going through the stress and pressure of studying because trust me, A-Levels are difficult. But my heart finally accepted that it's okay to do okay. And I didn't say 'it's okay to do bad' because I want you to know that you're not. It's all about the expectations we set for ourselves, and we're always going to want better, we're always going to want what someone else has, we're always going to be unsatisfied with where we are and what we have, but it's something we all need to learn to accept. Right now as you wish you could do as well as somebody else, there's somebody wishing they could do as well as you, and it goes on and on. 

It's difficult. I already knew those things last year but knowing it and accepting it with an open heart are two very different things, and it's difficult. But I sincerely hope that one day, you will receive the peace and comfort and self assurance that I received. It took quite awhile, and let me assure you that I'm not all there yet. I have my own demons haunting me that I'm trying to fight off myself, but we're all fighting our own battles. But hey, let me tell you this - you will overcome. Grades on a piece of paper, your school, your college, your course, your social ranking, your wealth - they don't define who you are. And even more the reasons why they shouldn't be in charge of your happiness or your sorrow. 

Sorry that this ended up being so long, there so many other things that I wanted to say, but so many more came to mind. But I'll keep those for another time. Hope y'all are doing well, take care and till next time!

brb

"6 months gone & I'm still reaching even though I know you're not there. I was playing back a thousand memories baby, thinking bout everything we've been through. Maybe I've been going back too much lately, when time stood still & I had you"

and...

I've been sitting here for over an hour watching my brother and cousin play arcade basketball. 

What am I doing asdfghjkl

I miss my prefects. I miss the SPCF. I miss the SP people. I miss people who actually cared for me and took me as I am.

It's a night of self-loathing, self-pity, call it whatever you want, think as lowly as you want of me - 

Don't worry, I don't like me too. 

Maocatz sleepover!

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^absolutely failed-looking s'mores dip because we set the oven temperature too low so it didn't brown the way it was supposed to

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Of hysterical laughter, move-over-you-lazy-bums, snapchats on fire, 'deep life conversations' leading up to 4AM, proceeding to wondering why there are singing/dying cats at that hour of the night, s'mores & tomato cheese dipS (note the plural: made more than once), pretending to forget the consequences that it will lead up to: getting fat and acne outbreaks, face masks and stop-stealing-my-blankets. 

I love my maos

Haven't been blogging as much I wish I could, and the reason is simple (and has always been the same) - things have been hectic. 

Don't get me wrong, the semester started off great, I'm so glad I finally got the hang of things in college and everything, but there's just so much going on at the moment that I haven't had time to stop and reflect because things keep coming up after another. 

Just a small update on what I have been doing and what I will be busy doing:

Basically preparing for the July intake orientation has been more work than expected, and with the tens of thousands of meetings that we have to have for a leadership camp that we're conducting soon, things have just been overwhelming. Plus trying to push my grades up (plus finishing up mountain loads of homework) (plus preparing for short-noticed tests) are proving to take a lot more effort than I had expected (and I already expected a lot!!!) but hopefully I will get there. Mock in less than 2 months hahahahahahah I'm doomed.

To anyone else who is going through any struggle (cause I admit that mine are minute compared to others), whether be it about studies, future prospects, emotional burdens, or simply being unable to find motivation, let me just tell you this: it will be over and you will get through this. It may seem like nothing but just hold on to the knowledge that bad things will not stay the same way just like how good things don't either - but having the bad always makes the good so, so much sweeter. Hang in there, you can do this!

Till next time, take care everybody!

♥

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Will miss this bunch of little kids <3

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Met up for lunch with Kirtana, my class monitor from school (also, she sat behind me in Form 4 and in front of me in Form 5, and we used to annoy each other on a daily basis). It was so good being able to just talk and catch on how college has been, how our courses are, about the new people we've met, and of course, about how much we miss school. 

Had CF later on in the evening, as it was the last CF meeting for the semester. It was a pretty chill day, worship, speeches from those graduating, Skyping with the fantastic 4, and BurgerLab for dinner (and I forgot to take a photo of my burger sobs T_T) 

Also, I have always felt like I didn't have much friends in the SCF apart from one or two that I usually stick to since earlier in the year, and whenever those few weren't around, I would feel awkward and out of place. Finally, finally, at the end of the semester, I've finally warmed up to the others and actually feel like I belong in a family. It took me long enough, but I am grateful for this little family I've found and have been so unexpectingly kind to me (you guise know who you are, and thank you :) )

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Met up with the second family for dinner at Jemari, and I was finally able to speak in BM again omg HAHAHAH. I have been so deprived of speaking in BM that I feel like I'm slowly losing my touch, but am grateful to be able to refresh it when meeting up with this bunch. 

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It is Sunday night (technically Monday already, considering it is past 12AM), and I am going back to college tomorrow. Despite how I am not looking forward to it... I am not despising it either. I have come to terms that I am taking A-Level and I simply have to deal with it, and instead of hating it and complaining about it all the time, I'll just have to make do and work harder the best I can. 

The past 2 weeks have been amazing, and I have to thank these people for that <3 (if you're wondering who the emoji at the right bottom corner represents, it's Wai Meng. Forgot to take a photo with him when we went out for nandos the other day, and the emoji just totally sums him up HEH)

Sem 2, here I come!

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Aiman got back from Australia just in time for my sem break and invited us over for his sister's wedding -

Note how in the last photo, you can see the base of my left shoe is senget, yeap that's cause my shoe broke halfway zzz so after the wedding we went to Subang Parade so that I could buy a new pair of shoes, then rush for Ji's church's Teens Club BBQ - 

Reunited with this bunch (and also, note new shoes!)

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Went over to Marissa's place in the afternoon for a mahjong session (also any excuse just to hang out cause EXAMS OVER WOOOO) and later on we went over to Angel's Park where we played basketball and I jogged.

Over all, the first week of the sem break was well, well spent. It was great being able to spend time with the familiar school people again, and I never thought that I'd find such comfort in simply spending time with this bunch again. 

Hope y'all are having as great week as I am & take care!

KJ·SP CF Camp 2015! - Fit for Christ

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Hot springs -

Games -

First gift from my guardian angel -

Super cute dog at the campsite -

Stream trotting -

Formal night -

And funny photos for the last day -

The people of the camp-

Initially when I found out that we were going to combine camps with another school this year, I was dreading it because I felt as if the camp would have been filled with unfamiliar people, people who wouldn't find the same humour as we do, upset because most of the familiar bunch I knew from school wouldn't be at the camp this time. I also had second thoughts because the camp was set in the middle of the first week of my sem break, taking up almost the whole week to prepare for my workshop and the other things that needed help on for the camp, when I should be studying and catching up for college.

But I was completely thrown off guard at how well both schools have bonded over the past 3 days, this camp being one that I can honestly say was the best I've had over the past years I was in school. There was no reception/line/signal/wifi/data coverage at all at the campsite, which was a good thing; because there is a sense of relief being able to completely detach from the internet & other distractions. I still remember the first camp I went and they kept our phones from us, and I felt so antsy about it at first, but by the end of the camp, I realized how good it felt to be away from technology. It gave us more time to actually focus & ponder on our message, to talk and have fellowship and to play games (yay!)

I don't have a single regret going for the camp, instead feeling so incredibly blessed in return. The message that Pastor Gurmit (also our speaker back in 2012 and 2013, yeap, he's really good) was clear and it helped me take steps that I was always too afraid of taking. Amazing things have happened over these 3 days, and I am blessed. :)

On a side note, I was also the photographer for the camp, and being the klutz I am... I tripped and fell while holding the camera, and watched as the camera hit the ground and its lens breaking into many pieces T-T. Have always thought my klutziness was something amusing but not anymore T-T

^above being also the reason why there weren't any photos of formal night aka the last night sigh. have been the photographer for the past 4 years and feel like I've failed this time :'(

All in all, yay to an awesome camp! :)