I have an uncle who calls me at random times, though rather frequently. Every single time he calls me, it would be the exact same question. 

"Are you studying now?"

"Why aren't you studying?"

"Why do you always go out?"

"Have you found scholarships to study overseas yet?"

"Stop playing around so much you know"

"Why you waste time joining this prefects, st john all, no use one la"

And I hate every single bit of it. 

I hate being pressured. I may have been consistently the top student without much effort in the past few years, but I can tell you that it isn't that way anymore. I don't know why, or what changed, but it just does not come as easily to me as it used to anymore. The first few months as I struggled with this problem, I was terrified, I was depressed. Results used to mean almost everything to me, and every exam was my battlefield - one I used to triumphant in. And when I started losing out - I questioned what was wrong with me. 

But now, I have finally accepted the fact that I should have a long time ago - it is okay to fail a paper, it is okay to slip below 5th in the form, it is okay to be considered mediocre in your studies, it is okay. 

You probably mean well, but I cannot bear this emotional burden any longer. I cannot live up to whatever expectations you have of me, I ca-

I would probably continue writing, but right now, I have the nagging guilt at the back of my mind - telling me to shut up and quit whining, and go study and make better use of myself. 

Till next time. 

Supposed to be studying right now, but as I've said before - I update my blog at the most crucial times when I should be busy doing something else. 

Burning out fast, with a week of trials left. Have the strongest feeling that I am going to come home crying after my Biology paper tomorrow. Promised myself that I'd be well prepared after experiencing a very bad encounter with mid terms, but when will I ever learn? Let's just hope I WILL be well prepared for SPM, the real deal, the finale. 

Felt so extremely lost with the possibilities of where to go, what to study, and all the opportunities or lack of, a few months back and although I've figured out part of it, I can't help but to have second thoughts and doubts. I want so badly to study abroad, away living the life, but am I capable of achieving such heights on my very own? I have spent nights wishing that my parents had the money to send me overseas, but I have accepted the truth that they cannot, so I have resolved to worrying hours away on how I am going to achieve it by myself. The pressure is high and I know I am slipping by the second, but I know God is reassuring me with every step I take that everything is going to be alright *cue Taylor Swift's shake it off

This was supposed to be a short one paragraph update, but I guess it's what late night thinkers do to you. 

Hope everyone is doing well & take care!